Know Your Death Eaters
by Another Girl on Fire
Summary: See what happens when our favorite Death Eaters stumble into a strange room inside Malfoy Manor.  All That's Know Your Stars. Death Eater Edition
1. Chapter 1

KNOW YOUR DEATH EATERS.

See what happens when three of our favorite Death Eaters stumble into a strange room inside Malfoy Manor. (All That's Know Your Stars. Death Eater Edition)

ONE: BELLATRIX

_*Bellatrix stumbles into the room_

**BELLATRIX:** Where the hell am I? I don't remember this part of the manor.

_*a spotlight shines from somewhere, startling Bellatrix. A crowd from somewhere applauses. Bellatrix, though clueless as to what is about to happen just shrugs and smiles, clearly enjoying the attention. She spots a frog nearby_

**BELLATRIX: **IMPERIO!

_*the frog suddenly starts tap dancing. The cheers become louder. Bellatrix cackles._

**VO:**Know your wizards. Know your lizards. Know your gizzards. Know your Death Eaters

**BELLATRIX:** What the-

**VO:**Bellatrix Lestrange. She stole that dress.

**BELLATRIX:** I certainly did not! I had it tailored for me. And I paid for it!

**VO: **Bellatrix Lestrange. She sleeps with her eyes wide open.

**BELLATRIX:** I DO NOT!

**VO: **Yes you do.

**BELLATRIX: **No I don't! Who are you anyway?

**VO: **I am your conscience.

**BELLATRIX:** Ha! I don't even have a conscience. I am a Death Eater!

**VO: **Well you do now and you have to do everything I say.

**BELLATRIX:** No I don't

**VO: **Bellatrix Lestrange. Voldemort doesn't love her.

**BELLATRIX: ***eyes widening. How dare you speak his name you foolish idiot! And for your information, the Dark Lord loves me - his most loyal servant - very much

**VO: **He does not. He never said so.

**BELLATRIX: **YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

**VO: **No way.

**BELLATRIX: **That's it! This is war! Where the hell are you?

**VO: **Over here, Belly.

**BELLATRIX: **Show yourself you coward!

**VO: **Neener neener neener

**BELLATRIX: **AVADA KEDAVRA! *starts blasting everywhere and everything.

…_silence…_

**BELLATRIX: ***cackles

**VO: **Bellatrix Lestrange. She thought she could kill me. But she can't! MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

**BELLATRIX: **RRAAAAAAAAAGH!

**VO:** Now you know Bellatrix Lestrange.

_*the audience cheers._

**BELLATRIX: **No they don't!


	2. Chapter 2

TWO: LUCIUS

_Lucius Malfoy enters the room. The crowd cheers once again_

**LUCIUS: **Bellatrix! What is going on with you? I can hear you form the other side of the manor! And who are all these people clapping?

**VO: **Know your wizards. Know your lizards. Know your gizzards. Know your Death Eaters

**LUCIUS: **Huh?

**BELLATRIX:** It's him! That bloody git! Quick, Lucius. Help me find him. I WANT TO KILL HIM! He's somewhere in this room. I just know it.

**VO: **Lucius Malfoy. His natural hair color is periwinkle.

**LUCIUS: **Are you color blind? My hair color is white-blond and I assure you it is my natural hair color.

**VO: **Lucius Malfoy. His favorite color is Hot Pink.

**LUCIUS: **No it isn't. It's black and green – the Malfoy family colors which are in honor of Salazar Slytherin. *smiles proudly* Everyone in the family is a Slytherin

**VO: **Lucius Malfoy. He was a Hufflepuff

**LUCIUS: **Did you not hear what I just said? I said _everyone_ in the family was a Slytherin and that includes me. I was even a prefect and a head boy

**VO: **Oh, my bad.

**LUCIUS: **It is indeed.

**VO: **Lucius Malfoy. He was a Hufflepuff prefect and head boy.

**LUCIUS: **You ignorant little twat! Do I have to repeat myself every single time? I said I was a Slytherin! Hufflepuff is for mudbloods.

**VO: **Lucius Malfoy. He is a mudblood.

**LUCIUS: **HOW DARE YOU! I am a Malfoy! I belong to one of the oldest and most prominent pureblood wizarding families. I refuse to be talked about that way! If my father were here he-

**VO: **_*Darth Vader voice*_ Luke, I am your father.

**LUCIUS: **YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER AND DO NOT CALL ME LUKE! MU NAME IS LUCIUS!

**VO: **Whatever you say, Luke

**LUCIUS: **RRAAAAAAAAGH!

**VO: **Now you know Luke Malfoy

_*the audience cheers*_

**LUCIUS: **No they don't! You know nothing about me!


	3. Chapter 3

THREE: SNAPE

_*Severus Snape enters. The crowd goes wild_

**SNAPE: **Lucius! Bellatrix! What has gotten into you two? You're disturbing the Drak Lord! You know it's his naptime!

**BELLATRIX: **Severus! Get out now while you still have your sanity intact!

**SNAPE: **What do you mean?

**VO: **Know your wizards. Know your lizards. Know your gizzards. Know your Death Eaters.

**LUCIUS: **Here we go.

**SNAPE: **What's happening?

**VO: ** Severus Snape. He wears granny panties

**SNAPE: **What? No. I assure you I do not wear knickers best suited or old ladies.

**VO: **Severus Snape. His nick name is Snuffalupagus.

**SNAPE: **My nick name is not Snuffa- whatever it is. I can't even pronounce it!

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape. His shampoo is Oyster Sauce

**SNAPE: **It is not!

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape. He can only count up to 394

_*Bellatrix bursts out laughing, Snape glares at her*_

**SNAPE: **I could count higher than you can ever.

**VO: **Prove it.

**SNAPE: **One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten… Seventy-nine… This is just ridiculous!

**VO: **No, you're ridiculous!

**SNAPE: **Just wait until I find out who you are!

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape. He thinks the Giant Squid is sexy.

**SNAPE: **I do not! How do you even find a giant squid sexy?

**VO: **Well YOU would know.

**SNAPE: **Whatever.

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape. He's half-unicorn, half-mandrake, and half-breadfish.

**SNAPE: **First of all, that's three halves, you moron. I assure you that those creatures re not part of my lineage. And what in the world is a breadfish?

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape

**SNAPE: **WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT!

**VO: **Snuffalupagus Snape. He has a crush on Argus Filch.

**SNAPE: **_*turns beet red*_ I do not!

**VO: **Snape and Filchy sitting in a tree. S-N-O-G-G-I-N-G!

**SNAPE: **RRAAAAAAAAAAGH!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sorry it took me so long to update. I had a load of schoolwork. Plus, I couldn't get ahold of my dear friends who get to check if the chapters I made were funny enough or not. So, yeah. Here it is. Please review as well. :)**

**CHAPTER 4: NARCISSA.**

*****_Narcissa apparates into the room._

**NARCISSA: ** Lucius, Bellatrix, Severus, what in the world is going on? Are you trying to wake the Dark Lord?

**BELLATRIX:** Cissy! It's that stupid voice, wherever it is coming from.

_*Bellatrix's eyes dart around the room_

**NARCISSA:** What ever do you mean?

**SEVERUS:** It's, ah, never mind. We better leave before you get dragged into this as well.

**LUCIUS:** He's right. We better go, darling

_*Lucius takes her hand and they turn to leave when suddenly…_

**VO:** Know your wizards. Know your lizards. Know your gizzards. Know your Death Eaters.

**BELLATRIX:** Shit.

**NARCISSA:** Bella!

**VO:** Narcissa Malfoy.

**NARCISSA:** Yes?

**VO:** She is the ugliest witch ever!

**NARCISSA:** I am not! In fact, I am the fairest with in all of Wiltshire. It said so on Witch Vogue. My mirror said so as well.

**VO:** Was your mirror by any chance the Mirror of Erised?

**NARCISSA:** _*gasps._

_*the audience laughs._

**LUCIUS:** You scoundrel! You take that back this instant! My wife is not ugly!

**SNAPE:** I agree on that. Narcissa is quite pretty if I do say so myself. She may not be the prettiest, but there are a lot of withces uglier than her. Like… ahem… Bellatrix.

_*Bellatrix glares at Snape_

**VO:** Narcissa Malfoy. Her signature scent is eau de werewolf piss.

**NARCISSA:** Are you mad? Have you even smelled that? The one time Fenrir forgot to flush, it stank up the whole bloody manor!

**LUCIUS:** Indeed. It took a very strong charm to get rid of the scent.

**BELLA:** And then Cissy banned him from ever setting foot inside the Manor. *cackles

**NARCISSA:** Well what did you want me to do? Congratulate him and pat him on the back with something heavy?

**VO:** Narcissa Malfoy. Her patronus is a toenail.

**NARCISSA:** Preposterous! My patronus is a lioness. I'll show you. EXPECTO PATRONUM!

_*A silver lioness appears._

**VO:** Oh, I was wrong.

**NARCISSA:** And you realize that just now?

**VO:** Narcissa Malfoy. Her patronus is a GIANT TOENAIL.

**NARCISSA:** Are you blind? It's a lioness! A very majestic one, if I do say so myself.

**VO:** Yep, that is indeed a majestic giant toenail.

**NARCISSA:** You are just stupid!

**VO:** Narcissa Malfoy. She makes the worst Cauldron Cakes.

**NARCISSA: **_*eyes widening_

**SNAPE**: Oh my.

**BELLATRIX:** Uh-oh.

**LUCIUS:** Narcissa…

**NARCISSA:** BE QUIET!

**LUCIUS:** Ma'am, yes, ma'am.

**NARCISSA: **NO ONE. INSULTS. MY. CAULDRON CAKES.

**VO:** You Cauldron Cakes taste like mandrake dung.

**NARCISSA:** …

**VO:** It tasted so awful I had to get a tongue transplant because the taste won't go away.

**NARCISSA: **FUCK YOU!

**BELLA:** CISSY SWORE! _*jumps up and down and cheers_.

**VO:** MWAHAHAHA. Now you know Narcissa Malfoy.

**NARCISSA:** NO THEY DON'T. SHOW YOURSELF YOU COWARDLY WANKER!

**BELLATRIX:** _*does a happy dance*_ CISSY'S SCREAMING! AND SWEARING LIKE A SAILOR. I LOVE IT!

**NARCISSA:** SHUT UP!

**BELLATRIX: **….

AN: Not my best chapter, I know. But I promise to redeem myself on the next one. The next Chapter is Draco :D

Review, please? :D


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5. Draco  
>*a harassed-looking Draco enters the room. The audience goes wild. Draco has a confused look on his face. Out of nowhere, a rose is thrown at Draco. He catches it and flashes a winning smile.<p>

**Draco.** Father! Mother! Aunt Bella! Professor Snape! What is all the commotion?! The Dark Lord has awakened from his nap and is extremely miffed.  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> *eyes widening. Oh no! We have awoken him!  
><strong>Snape.<strong> *bored tone. Thank you for repeating what Draco has just said.  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> Why I-  
><strong>Lucius.<strong> Bella! Severus! Behave yourselves  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> He started it!  
><strong>Snape.<strong> I most certainly did not!  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Shut up you two! You were saying, Draco dear?  
><strong>Draco.<strong> He says he'll try to go back to sleep  
>*everyone lets out a sigh of relief<p>

**Draco.** Although he sent me here to tell you to put a sock in it. *rolls his eyes* Whatever that means.  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> *whacks Draco's arm. Do not disrespect the Dark Lord like that!  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Do not do that to my son!  
><strong>Draco.<strong> I'm fine, mother.

**VO.** Know your wizards. Know your lizards. Know your gizzards. Know your Death Eaters.  
><strong>Snape.<strong> *in a cold voice. It's him again.  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> It's Draco's turn  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Well, duh.  
><strong>Bellatrix.<strong> *huffs.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> What's happening?  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Draco, whatever you hear, do not let yourself be affected.

**VO.** Draco Malfoy  
><strong>Draco.<strong> Hmh?  
><strong>VO.<strong> His wand is made of vampire dung with a dental floss core  
><strong>Draco.<strong> What the hell is dental floss?  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Draco!  
><strong>Draco.<strong> And Vampire dung? Can you be any more disgusting? As if I would even touch that! I'd rather marry a mudblood!  
>*the others look at Draco suspiciously<p>

**Draco.** *clears throat.* My wand is hawthorn and unicorn hair core. 10 inches.  
><strong>VO.<strong> *Yawn. Are you done implying your hidden feelings for a certain Gryffindor?  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> *gasps.  
><strong>Lucius.<strong> WHAT?!  
><strong>Draco.<strong> *turns pink. I don't know what you're talking about! I implied no such thing! I was simply using a figure of speech to express my disgust towards unicorn dung!  
><strong>VO.<strong> Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. Granger.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> What did you just say?!  
><strong>VO.<strong> Nothing. Nothing. Hermione  
><strong>Draco.<strong> What?!  
><strong>VO.<strong> MWAHAHAHA. Draco Malfoy. He has a pet shrimp named jambalaya living under his bed.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> There is no shrimp under my bed! You can go on and check it.  
><strong>VO.<strong> Well, we wouldn't see anything.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> Exactly-  
><strong>VO.<strong> That's because Jambalaya is an invisible shrimp.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> What? No! Nothing is living under my bed. And nothing has ever lived there  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Well, there was a bogart under there last school year. Honestly, Draco. Would it kill you to clean your room?  
><strong>Draco.<strong> Don't we have house elves to do that?  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> But what about whem you get older?  
><strong>Draco.<strong> Still have house elves to do that.  
><strong>Lucius.<strong> That is true.  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> Fair enough.  
><strong>VO.<strong> Draco Malfoy. He was named after a mushroom.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> A mushroom?! No-  
><strong>Narcissa.<strong> I'll have you know he was named after a Constellation! It's a family tradition, you twat.  
><strong>Draco.<strong> Er. Thanks, mother  
><strong>VO.<strong> Draco Malfoy.

**VO.** Draco Malfoy. I know his deepest, darkest secret.  
><strong>D.<strong> That is just preposterous. No, you don't.  
><strong>VO.<strong> Yes I do. Draco Malfoy. He's...  
><strong>D.<strong> NOOOOOOO!

*to be continued*

*A/N* Hello lovelies! First of all I would like to thank everyone who told me they really like this fic. Sorry for not updating for about two years. I didn't plan on finishing this anymore, but then I found a draft of this on my old email and, well, I remembered why I loved making this fic in the first place. :) I'll update with the next chapter soon. And I promise it's not going to take this long. haha. Anyway, if you have suggestions, please do message me or something. haha. thank you ^^

- Saii :D


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